Healthy Communication 

Communication and Confrontation: 

Communicating about a difficult issue makes most people a little nervous.  We often fear others’ responses during a difficult discussion, as well as our own.  Emotions like fear, anger, and frustration can activate the stress reaction in each of us.  The stress reaction inhibits our ability to choose how we want to assertively respond.  Instead we tend to react in an unproductive way, either passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively.  The more the discussion veers away from an assertive, productive discussion, the more fear and frustration we feel.  As a result, our stress response becomes even more activated and unless we interrupt it, the cycle will repeat.

Anticipatory fear/Anger/Frustration leads to ->Stress Reaction that comes out as:

Passive behaviour and/or Passive Aggressive behaviour and/or Aggressive behaviour.

Discussion then goes badly and leads to more fear and/or anger.

Then the cycle repeats.

What is your communication style?

Look at the following characteristics to determine what kinds of communication style you have.

Assertive Communication

  • You use clear messages and “I” statements.
  • You are self-accepting, self-aware, self-confident.
  • You have relaxed body posture – comfortable, good eye contact, calm, clear tone of voice.
  • You have well-defined, clear boundaries – know where you end and others begin.
  • Your needs are communicated clearly, appropriately, and respectfully.
  • Your feelings are expressed clearly, appropriately, and respectfully.
  • You communicate respect for others.
  • You listen actively without interrupting.
  • You’re in control of yourself and your actions.
  • You’re emotionally connected to others.
  • You do not allow abuse or manipulation
  • “We are equally entitled to express ourselves to one another.”
  • We’re both okay.

Aggressive Communication

  • You communicate explosively, with arrogance, or are critical, blaming, attacking, or hostile.
  • You manipulative others with threats and control.
  • You dominate others.
  • You tend to have black/white thinking – all or nothing – no gray, rigid boundaries.
  • You can be over-bearing, loud, demanding of others.
  • You tend to be physically imposing with body language.
  • You are impulsive.
  • You get easily frustrated or angry.
  • You tend to be a poor listener/interrupt frequently.
  • You use “you” statements.
  • You alienate or intimidate others. 
  • “I’m superior and right.  You’re inferior and wrong.” 
  • I’m okay, you’re not. 

Passive Communication 

  • You have guilt and/or shame of your own feelings and emotions. 
  • You have low self-esteem. 
  • You boundaries with others are weak.  
  • You seek acceptance from others. 
  • You tend to avoid eye contact. 
  • You placate others to avoid confrontation. 
  • You allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on your rights. 
  • You fail to express your feelings, needs, or opinions. 
  • You speak softly, apologetically. 
  • You are resentful that others needs are met. 
  • “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.  My feelings aren’t considered.” 
  • You’re okay, I’m not. 

Passive Aggressive Communication 

  • You have difficulty acknowledging your own anger/feelings. 
  • Your facial expressions don’t match your inner feelings. 
  • You can be sarcastic or show your underlying anger. 
  • You deny problems exist. 
  • You appear cooperative while doing things to annoy/disrupt. 
  • You practice subtle sabotage of others. 
  • You’re resentful that others don’t see your needs. 
  • “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.” 
  • You’re not okay, I’m not okay. 

How do I change? 

Becoming aware of what kind of communication style you currently use is the first step.  Understand that developing healthier ways of communicating (as with any life change) is a process, not an event.  Thus, it will take time and practice.  There are no quick fixes.  However, healthy communication will lead to improved self-esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships.