Boundaries

In relationships, boundaries are what define where we end and another person begins. A person with healthy boundaries is able to develop an identity separate and distinct from others, support and nurture their own growth, and are not dependent on others to do so.

What is your communication style?

There are three main types of boundary styles: healthy, collapsed, and rigid. Our boundaries may change depending on who we are in relationship to, and we can often see parts of ourselves within the characteristics of each type.

Think about your relationships and ask yourself what kind of boundaries do you have within each one.

Healthy Boundaries

  • You can say no or yes, and you are okay when others say no to you.
  • You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
  • You expect reciprocity in a relationship – you share responsibilities and power.
  • You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
  • You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
  • You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
  • You know your own wants, needs, and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
  • You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
  • You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
  • You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
  • You know your limits and you allow others to define their limits.
  • You are able to ask for help when you need it.
  • You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.

Collapsed Boundaries

  • You can’t say no, because you are afraid of rejection and abandonment.
  • Your identity consists of what you think others want you to be.
  • You have no balance of power or responsibility in your relationships. You tend to be either overly responsible and controlling or passive and dependent.
  • You take on others problems as your own.
  • You share personal information too soon before establishing mutual trust/sharing.
  • You have a high tolerance for abuse or being treated with disrespect.
  • Your wants, needs, and feelings are secondary to others and are sometimes determined by others.
  • You ignore your inner voice and allow others expectations to define your potential.
  • You feel responsible for others happiness and fulfillment and sometimes rely on your relationships to create that for you.
  • You tend to absorb the feelings of others.
  • You rely on others opinions, feelings, and ideas more than you do your own.
  • You allow others to define your limits or try to define limits for others.
  • You compromise your values and beliefs in order to please others and avoid conflict.

Rigid Boundaries

  • You are likely to say no if the request involves close interaction.
  • You avoid intimacy (pick fights, stay too busy, etc).
  • You fear abandonment OR engulfment, so you avoid closeness.
  • You rarely share personal information.
  • You have difficulty identifying wants, needs, feelings.
  • You have few or no close relationships. If you have a partner, you have very separate lives.
  • You rarely ask for help.
  • You do not allow yourself to connect with other people and their problems.